By Kevin Healy
What's this? Here's the minister for communicating with Lord Kerry but not with parliament, Senator Graeme Party-hack-son, rushing into the office. Looks like he's going to do a bit of communications of his own: "I've just got to ring my wife — do you mind?" Yes, he must be going to communicate; see, he's pulled out his portable brush and he's doing his hair.
"Thank God you're home. Look, that p**** relative of yours — what's his name again? No, not that one, the one I don't know anything about. Greg, that's it, Greg. Did you know he was up to no good on some remote island?
"Yeah, well I rang the PM over there. You know, they're very simple people — I met one of them one day with that — what's his name again? That's it, Greg. I met one in my office one day when Greg popped in with him and some legal bloke. I don't know what they wanted, I didn't ask and naturally we didn't talk about it.
"Oh, I did knock up a little note telling them to help him — you know, the sort of thing you'd do for anyone, even George. What's that? Oh yes, Greg — my God, he's forgettable!
"By the way, you know those monthly family get-togethers with all your lot and your p**** relatives: did anyone ever mention that George — uh, Greg — that he went bankrupt a couple of years ago? One and a half million, apparently. I suppose it's the sort of thing you wouldn't discuss over a family barby unless it's a really big amount. Yeah, I know, there are some people who reckon one and a half million's a lot of money. It just shows what plebs there are in this world.
"Anyway, I didn't know that, did you? Did you know he was a businessman? I've never known what George — sorry, Greg — did. The only time we ever had a really meaningful conversation, he told me how much he liked my hair."